As I get older I find myself consistantly dealing with my demons more and more often. For a time it was mostly innocent stuff like being more conscious of what I eat and getting some excercise in an effort to fight back against my ever changing and expanding midsection. So I cut back on my coffee intake (I have since regressed), stopped drinking soft drinks (regress here and there) and tried to avoid fast foods as much as possible (FUDGE!).
And although I admit I can and do curse up a storm in my head when frustrated or angry, I really do try to portray a cleaner cut, PG version of myself on the outside. Now I am not judging anyone else out there, I actually believe a well placed F-word or G-dammit can serve a purpose, make a point and be downright hilarious if well timed, but I try to refrain myself.
Something else about myself (since we are on the subject) is that I am a bit of am introvert. For the most part I am the quiet type who when in a crowd sits back, listens alot and anylyzes people, situations and conversations. Sure, I have my moments when I come out of my shell "guns ablazing" and "kill it" with my biting humor or an edge of your seat story, but for the most part I like to sit back quietly and figure you all out! (Scary huh?)
As the "quiet, mysterious guy" I have come to understand how that can be perceived to people that don't really know me. Yeah, you know what I mean, the first impression of people of my ilk is that we are, if not completely homocidal, in the very least are stuck up and arrogant....basically an a-hole! So I consciously and sometimes painfully have to force myself to be the proactive person in social settings, going out of my way to shake hands and make conversation while trying not to look like a stick in the mud.
So what I guess i am trying to tell you is that I am a real SAINT!
I hear your praises and I love them! Sure, on the outside I humbly play off the compliments and act like I am nobody special (because that is what the BEST of the saints do), however on the inside I am feeling so good about myself! I allow myself a moment to look around at the rest of you with your really ugly issues, that the rest of us talk about when you are not around (only because we are really concerned about you, not because we are judgmental or gossiping at all!) and I feel even that much better about myself!
But then reality punches me in the gut!
While doubled over in pain and grasping for air, the deep, dark stuff emerges from the muck that is hidden inside. The crude that I know is there, but yet I pretend I got a handle on, or have dealt with seeps up to the surface.
You find yourself getting older like I have and you have the opportunity to do some really stupid things. Things that wreck the false pretenses you want to believe about yourself, or at least want others to believe anyways.
If only caffeine intake, curse words and my quirky personality were my darkest demons!
Sometimes I pray, and not as much as I should honestly. But as I get to know myself better and uncover more of my flaws, you better believe I pray! The only hope for me, to be honest, is that I get some heaveny help! I can't hope to accomplish anything impacting or life-changing on my own, I need the grace of God more than I can ever imagine!
What I pray for the most is that my kids will grow up okay having to deal with my dysfunction. I plead for Gods grace to protect them when I say something really stupid in frustration, or when I handle some situation completely the opposite of what the child rearing books teach you to, or when I worry more about the current state of a disastrously filthy house (probably exaggerating) than reading to them, listening to them or throwing them a ball around.
Sure I am a good parent, but I am also a bad one all at the same time! So I pray that God will have mercy on their souls because of me!
I know you think I am being far too hard on myself (I am a Saint after all!), but I am pretty sure that this is pretty normal parent thing to do. Most, if not all parents have got to think that they are also terrible parents while they deal with these same concerns, questions and doubts. If not, than I am worse off than I originally thought!
Now I trully and honesty believe that you have to embrace your mistakes and failures in an effort to learn from them, and in that process you will find yourself being strengthened by them. I mean honestly, yeah it stinks, it hurts and it can be depressing for a few days, weeks or even months, but you gotta deal with the things that pain you the most. Because those issues, faults and failures don't just hurt you but they also hurt those you care about and love the most.
Some of the ugliest people I have ever met in my life are those who don't do this, who refuse to take responsibility for their junk and who won't take stock of their life and their subsequent issues. As a result, they remain stagnate, and there is no possible way for them to grow into a stronger, or at least slightly better person. They can lie to themselves and exaust themselves playing the games that might fool others, but in the end they will always be the same person underneath. And who wants to stay the same? Who doesn't wish they could improve themselves, evolve and grow up!
Because although I mostly joked at the begining about wanting to look like a saint, nobody wants to be around someone like that. What we want is honesty. We want people we can relate to, people who treat us with understanding when we are transparent about our own failures and who won't turn around and judge us for them.
You get older, you start to see wrinkles and gray hairs but those things are the least of your worries, the least of mine anyways, because I got stuff! I have issues, but I am dealing with them and it is making me a better person. Perhaps not a saint, but someone I can stand growing old with anyways!
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