It was a lethargic Sunday morning when I came into the living room. My roommate Micah was brewing coffee, which for him was more of a ritual than routine. I had fifteen minutes until church started which was just enough time to put on a counterfeit smile before I had to face my fellow "believers". Sure, if you don't want to go to church then don't go, but when you're the youth pastor your kinda obligated. Micah could sense from my body language that church was the last place I wanted to be today and suggested that we ditch, go get some coffee in us and walk around downtown. I was in just the mood to accept his offer.
As we rounded a corner there stood before us a beautiful, yet haunting Catholic Church that I had admired for years. The architecture of the building has a kind of gothic feel to it. There are eerie looking gargoyles placed strategically around the high walls that seem to follow you with their eyes as you pass. It is very reminiscent of the many churches that I've seen in horror movies were people flee to in search of refuge only to have bad things happen to them once inside.
The morning mass had just ended as people milled around in front of the building. Micah suggested we slip inside and check it out. As we entered, soaking up the whole atmosphere of the church, we sat on an old wooden pew in the last row in our best attempts at being inconspicuous. We only stayed for maybe five minutes half fearing that at any moment a priest would come running in frantically to throw us out, having recognizing us as imposters.
I don't know if it was because of the mystique of the building, its history, the architecture or the presents of God but those five minutes were an unexplainable spiritual experience for me. I'd like to think it was God who was there.
Over the years, in moments that I've been wrestling with my faith and myself I've returned to that mysterious and enchanting building. I stand in front peering up at the cross high above, trying to avoid the piercing eyes of the gargoyles, talking to God. Attempting to rekindle that same spiritual experience I once had here only to feel as dry and thirsty as the sun drenched ground I walk on.
Throughout my life I have found that I take my incredible personal experiences whether it is a place where I have experienced God, an adventure with friends or a magical moment with my wife and I turn them into something sacred and holy. In my memory they become hallowed moments that I hope to be able to relive over and over. However, I've found that you can return to an incredible camping spot, a magical concert, a late night conversation with a close friend or a long road trip yet the experience will never be the same nor will it ever live up to the way you want to remember it.
Yet, knowing it is futile I still peer into the rearview mirror at my life instead of gazing forward to the one stretching out before me. I continue to long for the incredible things I've already seen and done in my life whether it is visiting China, reliving the day I married, watching my daughters birth, hiking into the grand canyon or simply hearing a song for the first time. However, I run the risk of missing something life changing today if I am only focusing on the things that happened yesterday.
I do find some solace however, having come to the realization that I'm not alone. As a society we long to hold on to the glory days and rekindle a bit of the past. Perhaps for our own amusement and distraction we recycle the old satisfactions of yesterday. We long to return either physically or mentally to an experience, or moment that we hold onto as something to be cherished. For some it is the desire to hold onto their youth by covering up the wrinkles and gray hair. For others time is spent in daydreaming of an old flame and the feelings they shared. For many it is as simple as their weekly routine of worship at church or even the monotonousness of daily life. Of the many examples humanity gives us as they grasp tightly to the past, the one thing they all have in common is the refusal to let go.
At times it would appear that we yearn to relive our happiest moments and are content to continue in our dreary daily routines out of fear. Could it be that deep down inside we are terrified of a letdown? We have been hurt, disappointed, forsaken and unimpressed and as a result we only halfheartedly chase after any new dreams or experiences. We are finished with giving our hearts or at the very least our time towards something or someone that may only bear for us a fruitless or unfulfilling end.
As a result many of us choose to stay put, sitting in front of a church daring our God to show up like he once did. Well, others sit at home all alone refusing to take a chance to meet anyone new and face possible rejection. There are some who continue on in the same lifeless job or in pursuit of the same unrewarding education instead of opting for an adventure into the unknown. Sadly, out of this fear or at the very least anxiety, many people settle for the tedious life without ever truly experiencing the full potential of their spiritual and physical lives.
I personally believe in a God who delights in our wonder and excitement. Look around; I believe that a God that had a hand in all of this is not short on ideas for blowing our minds. A God who brought into being the rivers and mountains, the constellations, the creatures and all the different people surely knows a thing or two about sacred moments and experiences.
This may sound egocentric or prideful to say but I believe that God has a lot of blessings ahead for my family and I. I've yet to even scratch the surface of "spiritual" places or "sacred" things I have yet to encounter. I'm pretty sure that God has great things ahead for all of us, but we have to look with expectation to tomorrow.
I haven't gone looking for God at that enchanted Catholic Church in a long time, because although God is everywhere, he isn't there anymore. He has moved on to lead me somewhere further down the road. He won't allow me to stay in that moment and urges me to find him in the next place as he leads me. He won't allow me to stunt my spiritual growth. Just like he may be leading you to move on from a relationship, a hurt, a spiritual milestone; so you can experience what he has waiting for you. I for one don't want to miss a moment while I sit worshiping at the altars of past experiences. I want to live my life in such a way as to continue to live in the blessings.
Yeah, I will have plenty more lethargic Sunday mornings but looking back some of the hardest days end in the greatest blessing.
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