Already incredibly blessed by the birth of our daughter Grace, My wife and I “decided” shortly thereafter that it was time for a little brother or sister. However, as the pages on the calendar continued to turn months into years we had become that “heartbreaking story” of a young couple that couldn’t conceive. I reluctantly put on a brave face feebly masquerading as a strong pillar on which my heartbroken wife could lean upon. Meanwhile, she bravely bore the discouragement and despair whether she was fielding phone calls from friends who “just called to share their good news” or while simply opening those colorful baby shower invitations at the mailbox.
There is a feeling of helplessness being at the mercy of nature and God without having much input into the matter. It is especially frustrating when friends, family and even teenagers all around you are getting pregnant either incredibly easily or by accident, like “oops, we didn’t mean for that to happen?” Yeah, as if they didn’t know anything about how this whole thing happens. I worked with one guy who had three little girls in the time we were simply hoping for one (too much to ask?) who joked that he had to be careful how he looked at his wife. I felt little sympathy for him.
Finally, after tossing out our fair share of negative pregnancy tests into the wastebasket (obviously failing pregnancy tests isn’t very “Green”), we got a faint blue line. Of course my wife was pretty ecstatic, whereas I remained emotionally guarded, figuring there was a possibility that it could be a mistake and considering our continual heartbreak, I wasn’t going to allow what little hope I had remaining to be extinguished.
As each day followed that blue line that had remained “allusive” for so long became stronger and brighter. My wife literally danced around me while I sadly continued to give a half smile with fingers crossed in hopes of evading any “bad news”. I found it extremely difficult to simply let go and trust that this was for real without the fear that the rug might be pulled out from beneath us.
Fortunately for the sake of my sanity the pregnancy continues to progress normally (“we will have a boy in October). Through those first few weeks and months of the pregnancy the reoccurring spiritual theme for me was trust. In fact, I could hear the ghosts from churches past echoing in my ears the refrain, “trust God and everything will be okay”, or the more sinister, accusing and guilt infused “don’t you trust God?”
I do trust God, Yes, but I am aware of the realities of life. Good Christian people who trust in God suffer tragedy and lose at the same rate as the “heathens” all around us. As witness by my physical and emotional bruises, scabs and scars that I have endured throughout my lifetime, trust and faith in God is not a cure all, guarantee of protection against ever being hurt or let down. Yeah, I trust a good God, a God who nonetheless allows tragedy, death, sickness and sadness to befall his children.
It is easy for us to say we trust God when life is rolling along smoothly while we testify to Gods goodness and shout “hallelujahs” in church, but how about those times when we are harvesting nothing but lemons? Job, a man who suffered more than any of us can imagine, made one of the greatest statements on the subject, saying, “Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” So trusting in God for me means being willing and prepared to accept “trouble” with hope place firmly in His promises that He will see me through.
Sure, I could “trust” God more, exercising my “spiritual muscles” with extra time spent in prayer and perhaps fast from food for a period of time, but that won’t necessarily ensure anything or change the will of God for my life. It may simply strengthen my faith in preparation of enduring life’s disappointments and lose (Yippee!). Contrary to what many people believe and teach, the amount and strength of ones faith is not a gauge in which God delves out rewards and punishments.
Those who offer the suffering, doubting or hopeless soul a simple “you just have to trust God!” as encouragement must have forgotten the examples of those who throughout scripture wholeheartedly trusted in God like Job, Joseph, King David, The Apostle Paul and even Jesus. Each one surrendered their full trust to God and yet still experienced brutal trials and tribulation throughout their lifetimes. The silver lining on this particularly “depressing” example is that in the end all of them were blessed because they endured and remained true to their faith.
When we pray “thy will be done”, we are often in a way, naively releasing things into the hands and control of a God who never promised to protect us from all the difficulties of life but a God “who in all things works for the of those who love Him”. I have heard that quoted countless times after the passing of close friends and family as sort of a mantra of comfort. I cling to that promise tightly, in some cases still awaiting those promised results.
Scripture instructs us to “trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding”. The underlining current of this statement is that life, more often than not, will refuse our demands that it make any sort of sense. Which, upon pondering further simply says to me “This is going to hurt a bit”.
Can we trust God? Well, look at his track record for yourself. However, a better question may be do we trust that God has our best interests at heart? I trust in a God whose “ways are not my ways”, A God that asks us to trust Him as He calls us to step out of the boat and walk to Him, who waits two days too long before visiting a loved one on their death bed and who sleeps comfortably while we weather the torrential storms on the sea. Often times we need a graceful reminder that He does indeed have our best interests at heart especially when that conclusion is clouded by the lose of a job, the failing health of a loved one, a deteriorating relationship and seemingly unfulfilled and unattainable desires or dreams.
Although appearing to be a bit of a “sacrilegious” quote, I can understand the feelings behind author Samuel Butler saying, “to put one's trust in God is only a longer way of saying that one will chance it”. Sometimes it does feel that way doesn’t it? Most certainly the act of placing ones trust in God should be done with much consideration and weighting of the cost. It isn’t for the half-hearted of fair-weather soul. As Brennan Manning put it in his book Ruthless Trust, “Unwavering trust is a rare and precious thing because it often demands a degree of courage that borders on the heroic…it requires heroic courage to trust in the love of God no matter what happens to us.” Although it may often seem as if we are “rolling the dice” when we place our complete trust in God, He will continually prove His trustworthiness as we courageously place our trust in Him.
The topic of trust brings to mind the chaotic Hollywood movie chase scenes in which the driver turns to his passenger who is cowering in his seat with white knuckles and says “trust me, I know what I am doing”, as he recklessly crashes through fruit stands and runs red lights while narrowly missing innocent pedestrians.
So with a wild-eyed expression on my face and white knuckles gripped tightly to my seat I continue to trust God as He navigates me through this life. I truly believe that He has my best interests at heart and that He is concerned with the smallest details of my life, however, as Mother Teresa was famous for saying “I know God will not give me anything I cannot handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.”
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